It takes time to heal
by See266
Summary: A glimpse into Hermione’s feelings after her and Draco’s breakup. One-shot.


I wish you were here to hold me. To run your fingers through my hair and watch it tangle around them. I wish you were here to promise that we could try again, fixing whatever mistakes we had made, because I swear on merlin's saggy left ball that I miss you. All day everyday. From the moment I wake up in a lonely bed, to when I get back in it at night. I miss your smile. I miss the way you had a smile that was just for me, one that you saved for when no one else could see, incase they saw behind your cool Malfoy facade.

I miss the prolonged eye contact that made our barely acquainted friends pause and clear their throats. How you never had a hair out of place except when you were moaning my name in the middle of the night.

I miss coming home to you, to anyone, and having them ask me about my day. I miss talking, because now I have so many words and no one to speak to. I might start talking to myself soon.

I miss the way that we could never quite politically agree, and the awkward silences we caused if we started fighting around other people. I miss the way you would never use anything but magic for even the simplistic of tasks, just because you were brought up that way. I miss your stubbornness, your grace, your warmth and that goddamn smirk.

I miss the way it was okay for us both to be broken. When the old war wounds opened up and I awoke screaming in the middle of the night, I miss having you to hold me. And I miss holding you too. When you had flashbacks of the horror scenes that you never wanted to be part of, and you were overcome with guilt, I miss kissing your tears from your cheeks.

I miss the fact we were happy. In our own imperfect, ever evolving, slightly broken way, we were happy. And I miss that. And I hate that it's gone, and I hate you for making me end it.

~

Merlin, do I hate you. I hate you for the stabs of pain that seem to hurtle from nowhere and break me down until I crumble. I hate the fact that hating you makes me use fucking metaphors even though I am the least fucking poetic person I know. Fuck you. Fuck you for the way I was never enough and yet all too fucking much.

I hate the way I feel bruised and so fucking fragile whenever someone says your name, and you flash up behind my eyelids in slowly fading colours.

I hate that I measured my year in snapshots of you, and every major moment had you by my side. Sometimes I wish that I could erase you. But then I remember how you were tied to all my days and I somehow hate you even fucking more.

And now, when I turn on the radio and through the crackling I hear the music we used to call our own, I hate you for becoming a part of me that I have to tear away so I can feel better.

I hate that we now move in the same circles, and that I am constantly reminded of the incessant fucking fact that you exist. Your name splinters me from the inside out and I hate the fact I should be okay.

But most of all I hate the fucking way that you made me happy. I hate that I wish for you back even though we left far too late, with enough scars to last us a lifetime. And I hate the way that even though I've checked every single fucking book I can get my hands on, there's no way to heal them.

~

I'm sorry that we both ended up getting hurt, and I'm sorry that a part of me will always hate you and will always hold you accountable. I'm trying to forgive the pieces of you that broke the last of my strings, so please be patient while I find how I stand without you to lean on. Sometimes I'm okay and then suddenly I flash back, and I see your white blond hair, and your smirk,

and then I

_shatter_

all over again.

But now it doesn't take quite as long for the pieces to fit back together as it used to, and I'm proud of myself.

~

~

I can see you now, and it doesn't hurt as much, and that's good.

~

~

We nod at each other in the ministry, civil, and that's good.

~

~

I still hate how long it took to be okay again.

And I still have a part of you that is mine.

But it doesn't make me weaker now.

And that's good.

~

And we will be better

after a little more time.

And that's good

too.

**_~ Fin ~ _**


End file.
